So, what do you do when you love someone so completely and they don’t love you back? Or, what happens when you realize that the love you feel in your relationship is mismatched (i.e., you love them in a way that they don’t love you). Moreover, what about when the relationship is on again, off again, then on again…again? What about this notion that if you’re in a relationship with someone that means that you can’t ever have any “feelings” about someone else? These are all advanced issues and concerns of relationships…but what about the basics?

The subject of relationships is fascinating. The reason why I find relationships so fascinating is because they are the mirrors through which we see ourselves—and sometimes, we don’t like what we see. The questions that we have to ask ourselves are, “Who am I? Who are you? And, who are we?” In my work, I am uniquely poised to observe the dynamics of a wide range of relationships—some of them work while others don’t.

I am often surprised at the rampant level of dishonesty present in most relationships. What do I mean? Consider the possibility that woven into the fabric of your relationship is a lie. Now, I don’t necessarily mean a malicious lie, like a completely false identity, but a fundamental lie nonetheless.

For example, in the beginning of most relationships there are often innocent trade-offs made that are designed to have the other person “like” you that wind up setting the relationship’s foundation. Through our need to be “liked,” we unwittingly communicate to our partner some aspect about how the relationship will proceed. In other words, we teach our partner how to treat us in our relationship.

The innocent trade off could be something as simple as agreeing to eat at a particular restaurant, or that you enjoy a particular food or type of music. Once you’ve agreed, your partner makes a series of assumptions about you and the future of the relationship. Then, they act on those assumptions (i.e., returning to the restaurant or play that music more often). However, by that time you may feel a little uncomfortable speaking up because you had agreed previously. This phenomenon is similar to what happens when you forget someone’s name after being introduced to them several times. After a while you feel embarrassed to admit that you hadn’t known their name all along…so you pretend. Notice the level to which you’ve been pretending in your relationship.

So, let’s try an experiment this week that will require courage. Use this blog to post an innocent trade-off (lie) that you made in the beginning of your current relationship and ask your partner to do the same. Then, after the two of you have had a good laugh about it, ask them if it would be ok to unravel this lie from the fabric of the relationship and weave into it a fundamental truth about yourself.

Once you’ve successfully unraveled one relationship lie go on to the next one. Repeat, repeat, and repeat. Once you’ve tackled the Basics, you can go on to more Advanced issues like, “What’s for dinner?”

Use this discussion board/blog to post your comments and insights. Read and discuss the insights of others. Go for it! I dare you!

So how does Terry point the finger back at herself?    She begins to see how playing Hide and Seek-hiding from fear and seeking its opposite- is the driving force behind her co-dependent relationships:   Let’s see how this plays out using Terry’s actual words:

I hide from feeling alone and insignificant and seek feeling connected and significant.

In addition, she has also embraced her fear by looking at the baggage she has lugged with her since childhood when she could connect the dots about her father and her choice of men today.

Now she is ready to move to the next step since she has faced and embraced her fears.  She is ready to “ace it”.  Now what the heck does that mean?  Think of it this way:  In tennis, acing a serve means placing that tennis ball right in the corner; in school, acing a test means getting an A for the highest score.

For our purposes, let’s think of it in this way.  Terry will “ace it” when she is able to nail down the relationship of how her Hide and Seek game playing drives her co-dependent behavior.    And sure enough, she did….

I’m hiding from the fear of feeling alone and insignificant and seeking feeling connected and significant by my behavior of stalking James and being relentless in my love even though he doesn’t love me.

When this relationship between her fear and her behavior was finally brought out in the open- front and center- a strange thing began to happen.

She stopped running from fear.  She stopped feeling robbed of energy and depleting herself.  Instead she found a new feeling starting to develop- a true desire to change herself and more importantly, followed-up with follow-through and replaced her old behavior.

She joined a yoga class and started meditating every morning when she woke up. She realized it was hard for her to “shut off the valve” to her mind.  Some mornings it was only for five minutes, other mornings for twenty minutes. She also got back in touch with the creative side of herself, taking cooking classes, and even a belly dancing class.

But most importantly, her COA (Children of Alcoholics) classes, coupled with her yoga and meditation, helped her to tap into her creative/spiritual energy, which was much more enlightening than the negative energy she used to sustain her unfulfilling life with James. It helped to slow her down.

As Terry said: “I’m making conscious choices versus feeling like I had no choice with my prior emotional addiction.

For the first time in my life, I have learned that I am the cake and the man is just the icing.”

Hey, if you want to find out how Hide and Seek game playing may be affecting your relationships, go to www.anewfearlessyou.com and order your copy of A New Fearless You today!

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

The answer may surprise you.  You are playing the grown-up version of the childhood game Hide and Seek.  What the heck does that mean?   We hide from the fear and seek answers outside ourselves.  Where is the fear hiding?  It lurks behind our relationship problems.  We seek something external to make up for a lack of an internal feeling – such as feeling loved, worthy, successful, secure or significant.  Sometimes this co-dependency is easily recognizable- such as our relationship with alcohol.  Other times it is not.  It is a different kind of co-dependency; it is an emotional addiction.

We become co-dependent on other people to make us feel a certain way.

What about you?  Does this co-dependency pattern seem familiar?  Could it possibly be that you experience an emotional addiction- one with your  partner, friend, and parent or even with your child?  Let’s look at a true example from A New Fearless You:  Freedom from Hide and Seek and Other Games People Play and see this pattern in action.

Terry, a fiery redhead, was outgoing and fun and could be always counted on to make you laugh. She was one of those people that exuded sex—always sensual, always flirting with men. The problem? Terry was in love with a man named James who was no longer in love with her.  At one time they’d been happy, but the relationship ended when James got a new girlfriend named Belinda. No matter how many times James told her he was in love with someone else, Terry would try and convince him why he should love her instead and she was very persistent and creative in all her constant attempts.

Now what?  Here is where change begins.  Terry needs to point her finger…back at herself to find out how she is playing Hide and Seek.

According to Terry, she knows what she is seeking:

“He’ll come around. He’ll love me again.”

What are you hiding from?

“He’ll find someone else—maybe even Belinda.  If he finds someone like Belinda, I’ll be devastated. No one will ever love me again. I’ll be alone.”

Let’s keep that finger pointing inward:

What earlier memories come to mind that may be impacting you in this situation now?  For Terry that was easy:

My father was an alcoholic who abandoned our family when I was seven. He was physically abusive to my mom and verbally abusive to us kids. My sister was his favorite and he kept in contact with her, but he never loved me enough to continue a relationship. He didn’t even come to my graduation!

What about you?  Can you point your finger back at yourself and see how playing Hide and Seek is truly what drives your co-dependent relationships?   Terry eventually did.  Find out how in next week’s blog.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

Over the last few days, I’ve exchanged a few emails with my client (and friend) Blair Easton about my last week’s blog titled: MEASURING RELATIONSHIPS. To my great surprise, he decided to post his initial thoughts that started our conversation as a comment to make public our private discussion.

Blair, a fire fighter originally from New Zealand, is a smart, funny, and fascinating guy with an open soul and brilliant mind. He’s the kind of guy with whom you could sit for hours drinking too many bottles of wine after a long meal contemplating the state of the universe—from politics, philosophy, sports…and everything in between. His opening line in our email really hit the nail squarely on the head…

“My wife hates me saying this but I tell her I don’t need her. We need four things to exist food, water, shelter and heat and that’s all. It may not be much of an existence but those are the things we as humans require. I don’t need my wife, I WANT her…every morning I make the choice to want to share my life with her.”

BINGO! What a concept?! And, who wouldn’t love to wake up every day next to a partner/spouse who consciously chooses to spend their life (and their life force) with you? This is the distinction between co-dependent and independent relationships. Let’s try on—for size—the concept of interdependent relationships. In an interdependent relationship the internal thought would sound something akin to “I want you and I want you to want me but neither of us need each other.”

I want you versus I need you dispels the spoon-fed notion of a love life loaded with the saturated fat of The-Hollywood-Romantic-Comedy. You know what I’m talking about don’t you? The characters change but the storyline remains the same:  Guy gets girl (or guy). Guy loses girl (or guy). Guy’s life comes to a screeching halt because he lost the girl (or guy)…and on, and on, and on.

For some reason or other, Hollywood writers seem to believe that to love someone is to need them! The effect, here in the real-world, is that we unwittingly attempt to recreate their idea in our own relationships—note the “or guy” reference to account for yours truly. Here, in the real-world, we notice how this concept of relationships simply doesn’t work.

However, giving it up could be as difficult as ending any addictive behavior. So, here’s a “relationship patch” sponsored by Blair Easton, your local firefighter, resident love doctor, and bringer of relationship heat…

“My relationship with my wife is not a 50/50 relationship it is 100/0. I give all to her and ask nothing in return. But if she decides to reciprocate with her relationship to me 100/0, [then] that relationship can only be described as a soul mate.”

Use this discussion board/blog to post your comments and insights. Read and discuss the insights of others. Go for it!

After nearly 20 years working as a professional life coach I’ve come to notice a particularly consistent and disturbing trend with regards to how people view relationships. The most common reference I hear people use that indicate their unrealized co-dependent tendencies is: relationships are 50/50.

Hmm….think about it? If relationships are 50/50, then where do you suppose one has to look in order to find a significant portion of themselves? You guessed it…the other person.

Through the computer I can hear your collective groans or the rush of dismissive air through your teeth. “Listen McNeal, it’s just a phrase it doesn’t really mean anything!” — but I beg to differ. Consider this commonly heard response to a dinner invitation, “Sounds great, but I’ll let you know as soon as I check it out with my other half.”

I submit to you that these comments are so common because they reflect a commonly-held belief that fosters co-dependency in relationships: who I am depends on who you are. Consider that somewhere lurking within your socialized mind are the firmly planted seeds that prevent you from experiencing the fullest possibility of relationships.

One of my most referenced quotes of Ram Dass is: “A committed relationship is the quickest most efficient pathway to God…and the hottest fire there is.” And who am I to disagree with him?!

In fact, I find this statement extremely relevant and useful. Our relationships are the tools God gave us to reflect where our deepest wounds and opportunities for growth are. However, most of us deflect this information by thinking that who we are or what we feel depends on what our partner does or doesn’t do—i.e., co-dependence.

So, my challenge to you this week is to notice just how many times you defer moving forward with any thought because you fear how it may affect your partner, friends, or co-workers. What if, you could completely be yourself without fear or worry that it might be judged, criticized, or rejected. What if any resulting judgement, criticism, or rejection was exactly what had to occur in order for you to be who you are? If so, then what are you waiting for? Go ahead…be yourself!

Use this discussion board/blog to post your insights. Read and discuss the insights of others. Go for it

I received this email and wanted to share it with everyone.  What makes this letter special?  This is from a fourth grade student that I had many, many years ago and I was very touched to receive this response from her.  She gives words to her breakthroughs and transformations- moving from a person who was (co) dependent on seeking success, or others’ approval to a person who  steps into living a life that is filled with peace and balance. She has all of the personality styles within her and enjoys being exactly who she is.  I couldn’t have said it better.  Here is her letter. Hope you enjoy your read!

Dear Evonne,

I’ve finished reading your latest triumph. There are so many things I want to tell you about my experience of the book.

First, I was appalled that your father criticized you. You’ve always been someone I admire and respect – I had a really strong reaction to someone calling you stupid!

As I read through the descriptions of the four personality types, I naturally tried to figure out which one I was. The result was completely surprising to me. I used to see myself as an achiever and a fact finder, and I hid from myself that I was also a peacemaker (because it made me feel weak and vulnerable). In the last year or so, I’ve discovered that I’m no longer motivated only by success and the fear of failure, no longer afraid of what others will think of me, no longer enslaved by the need to over-organize and plan, and magically able to accept myself joyfully. I find myself enjoying my personality and my physical appearance, instead of seeing myself as emotionally flawed and unattractive. It’s so strange – it feels so alien. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong – these new, healthy qualities felt like I was wearing someone else’s clothes.

After reading your book, though, I believe that I’ve probably just moved to a more balanced place. I have some qualities of all of the personalities, and I’m much less fear-driven then I once was. I can trust my own judgment, and I’m much less vulnerable to the unkind or dismissive behavior of others. I take things that others do much less personally, and it’s a more peaceful way to live.

I just wanted you to know how your writing affected me.

Love, Lynda

Remember, please; feel free to share your comments and feedback about A New Fearless You with me.  I read them all and I am filled with gratitude.

For most people the Fourth of July brings to mind a series of happy images that include cook outs, hot dogs, the American Flag, the Statue of Liberty, and a holiday from work or school. All of those things used to underscore my sentiments towards this holiday, too—used to. Now, when I think of Independence Day I am flooded with a mixture of nostalgia, sadness, and completion.

Now, my thoughts of this holiday are inextricably linked to a particularly turbulent relationship during my late 30s. At that time I was dating a Brit who lived in London. Our relationship was explosive, chemical, volatile, and wrought with contradictions. Until that time in my life I hadn’t really understood what I brought to relationships that created the possibility of success or failure. To put it mildly, I operated from a platform of recklessness.  This recklessness can be most attributed to the fact that in my late 30s I had finally decided to come out of the shell of my highly-protective and sheltered upbringing. When we met the narrative I was running in my life was, “I’m tired of never getting the guy I want. From now on, I’m just going to invent a totally different persona and act like him instead of acting like me.” Little did I know then that the persona I had created had a mean co-dependent streak in him—reckless.

Fast forward through the ups-and-downs of this passionate relationship and I found myself a distant stranger to my own soul. Sure, I’d broken out of my shell and had generously sampled from the smorgasbord of life…but the price was I found myself unable to communicate or establish boundaries. I was hopelessly in love, and I was a wreck. Added to the confusing mix was the fact that our relationship, both close- and long-distance, spanned periods of living together in the US, the UK, and sometimes Honduras. When I look back on that time in my life, I haven’t a clue of how it all came together or lasted as long as it did.

To be completely honest, we both sustained a fair amount of emotional and psychological damage from this relationship—damage I am sure has its origins in our past karmic contracts. The reason why the Fourth of July has come to mean sadness and completion is because sitting in front of a computer screen in Honduras I wrote these few simple words: On this the day my country declared its independence from yours. Today, I am now ready to declare my independence from you.

I stared at the words on the screen for an unbelievably long period of time. I was afraid to press the send button. Because once I pressed it, I knew that I was severing forever a cord that after four years had become my lifeline. I was breaking up with someone.

Me? Breaking up with someone?

That had never happened before or since. Now, I don’t mean to insinuate that I hadn’t stepped away from someone in a way that effectively ended the relationship, but this was different. This was conscious. I knew what I was doing, and I wasn’t going to let the silence or some haphazard event communicate my decision for me. I was going to speak the words that could never be taken back. Their meaning: I AM NO LONGER CO-DEPENDENT ON YOU TO RECEIVE MY SENSE OF LOVE, WORTH, OR VALUE.

The years that followed that Independence Day have provided invaluable lessons in my ability to recognize my part in creating or fostering co-dependence. The grief and heartache I experienced from separating from someone I deeply loved has tempered nearly every aspect of my personality. There were times that I wondered if I had acted hastily, or if I had exiled the only person who really knew, loved, or understood me. And to be honest, there were long stretches of time when I felt that I had. That is, until I met Michal.

Then, I knew why it all happened. It happened so that I could be ready to stand on my own two feet while being head over heels in love. Finally, independence. Happy Independence Day!

Use this discussion board/blog to post your insights. Read and discuss the insights of others. Go for it!

“What did you just say?  You have to be kidding me!” I say to Mary who had just joined our book club.  “What does that mean- Forgiveness is not about the other person; you only have to forgive yourself?”

This made absolutely no sense to me at first.  Then I listened some more.

“Forgiveness is releasing projections about ourselves (what did she just say?!) that we put on other people.”

Wow, I felt as if I had just been hit right between my eyes.  All my life, I had just taken for granted that the act of forgiveness involves two people or more- between parent and child, between siblings, friends, or colleagues.  Nope, this definitely was a whole new concept for me to chew on.  So I began chewing…

When I have thought about forgiving “someone”, it had to do with them and with their misdeeds.  It never once dawned on me that with my old definition…

The act of forgiveness becomes totally dependent on other people and in particular, their reactions and responses.

I’m not sure about this at all.   I’ll just explore more.  Now the question is where to start?  Easy.  With others.  I begin to think of people I’d like to say a thing or two to them. They have moved me to deep feelings of anger, hurt, disappointment or all of them.  And, I’m willing to entertain the idea of forgiving them- if they are sincere when they approach me.

Oops, there I go again.  My forgiveness becomes totally dependent on their actions and reactions.

What about you?  When you think of forgiveness who are the characters in your scenario.  Who has to make the first move?  Who sits in judgment of whom?  If you are similar to me, I would guess the other person plays a prominent role- even in the smallest of examples:

Someone honks at me for no good reason.

In line, someone butts in front of me.

Shel, my husband, comes home late for diner without even calling me first

In the past, it has always seemed that they are the ones who need to be forgiven and I would be gracious enough to do that.

Not any more! I am beginning to think in a whole different way.   It is not about them.  I keep on repeating the following phrase in my head,

“If I spot it, I got it.”

Can I accept what I see in another person is truly an aspect of myself that I need to catch first  and then let go of.   I don’t know.  I have been wrestling with this issue of forgiveness for quite a while.

But I do know this…When I have become conscious of seeing one aspect of myself in someone else, I feel liberated and free of those negative emotions. They seem to disappear.  And when it is said and done- I would rather feel liberated and free than feeling powerless.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus