The key to appreciation and encouragement  even in the hardest of times is to realize the importance of the simple, everyday happenings that are all too often ignored. Read on and see how…

Shortly after 3 pm, Mrs. A. heard the familiar squeak of the back door and caught a glimpse of Arnie as  he raced by her, grabbed a handful of cookies  and made a beeline for the TV. 

 He had switched the channel from his sister’s Sesame Street program (he knew his sister wouldn’t mind) to his favorite cartoon and then settled back to enjoy his afternoon zone out time as he leisurely petted the family dog. 

 For Mrs. A. this typical afternoon presented a real challenge. Where were those simple, natural opportunities to build self-esteem?  Where was the art project so she could compare him to Picasso or a homework assignment so she could rave about his good work.   Mrs. A was discouraged, and truthfully she didn’t see a whole lot going on that afternoon that was worth complimenting.  Even more truthfully, if she hadn’t been feeling so loving or wanted to be so positive-she had to admit, she could see some mildly irritating behaviors that afternoon.

 ”What was I supposed to say?” she asked.

“I really like the way you switched your sister’s TV show and plopped down on the couch. ”

“I especially appreciated how you decided to move right to the TV and bypass any possible homework assignment.”

  Mrs. A was at a loss.  She could not find anything positive or encouraging to say, and therefore she decided to say nothing at all. Mrs. A needed some help in the encouragement department.  She needed to learn the skills that would help her find something positive even when the pickings were slim.  Here’s how she or any parent could begin to literally pull encouragement out a hat.  She could start by returning to  the most basic way for making the most of ho hum moments:

Enjoy Who Your Child Is

            “It’s sure good to see you.  You really brighten my day,”

            and she would put her arm around her son’s shoulder. 

            The first step in maximizing ho hum moments is to stop waiting for your child to produce something praiseworthy, act discouraged, or specifically request some encouragement with leading questions like,  “Did you see my great throw?” or “Do you like this project?” You can start where there are no expectations for performance at all. The easiest place to start is with something simple.  Begin to show your child that you unconditionally, indisputably enjoy who he is. There is nothing for the child to live up to-no expectations and no performance standards.         

 Highlight An Everyday Event

“Arnie, B.J. really seems to enjoy you petting him so gently on his tummy.  You sure have a way with him.”

 Like Mrs. A., many parents wait for an ideal situation so they can compliment their child.  Many times that ideal moment never arrives.  Then what?  I’d like to suggest an alternative.  Look at an uneventful everyday occurence, and then highlight it. 

Remember, every moment can’t be a “Kodak Moment”.  Just appreciate the simple pleasures. 

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

BreakThrough in Appreciating Who You Are

BreakThrough Blogcast – Episode 33 with Jaimes McNeal, creator and host of BreakThrough Blogcast, with resident co-host Evonne Weinhaus. Evonne is a professional speaker, a communications coach, and co-author of A New Fearless You.

Roundtable guest: Sandy Moss, Life Coach and Massage Therapist

In this episode, Sandy acknowledges the courage present in the creator, teachers and students of “BreakThrough” and roundtable guests from previous BreakThrough Blogcast episodes, and as a new life coach, she talks about the courage that will be required of her as she delivers her message expressing her authentic self.

Listen in as Evonne talks about seeing your actions, thoughts, and feelings through the lens of courage instead of fear, so it becomes an internal change and then you begin to appreciate who you are. Hear Sandy demonstrate courage as she accepts Jaimes’ challenge, live on the air.

This episode will inspire you to stop comparing yourself to everyone else and truly appreciate who you are!

To listen to episode 33 click the play › button to the left below

You can listen and/or download this episode and all of the BreakThough Blogcast episodes on iTunes.

BreakThrough BlogCast is a virtual roundtable hosted every Monday from 6:00 pm – 7:00 pm CST by Jaimes McNeal, Co- Director and Featured Teacher in Breakthrough: A Conscious Documentary.

Each week, Jaimes and a Featured Guest Co-Host will embark on ExtraOrdinary Conversations with Ordinary People all about mastering life. With interaction from our Online Community, you will discover tools and real-life solutions to help you discover your greatest potential.

For information on how to listen to the blogcast live or participate as a co-host or roundtable guest please visit our BlogCast page

 Adults envy movie stars, wishing they had their handsome or beautiful looks and buckets full of money. Teenagers wish they were rock stars or sports celebrities. And kids? They often are jealous of other kids in the popular cliques, kids who have the latest video games or coolest clothes.

 It seems that not liking who you are or appreciating yourself is universal and spans all age groups from the young to the old. Read on … 

I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE ME

      Swinging very high in the tire swing, Max could see Comb Rooster playing down the lane.  They weren’t near each other but Max could still see who it was.

            “I wish I looked like Comb Rooster” he thought.  “Everyone always knows Comb Rooster because of his shiny, red comb.  Nobody ever knows me!  My hair is just mousy brown.”

            “Max” his mom called from the window, “It’s bath time now. Come on in the house.”

            Once in the bathtub Max started thinking about how great Comb Rooster always looked.  “Gosh” thought Max, “Today is hair washing day and I know just what will happen.  I’ll get soap in my eyes again and start crying.  If I had a big beautiful red comb like Comb Rooster, I wouldn’t have to think about things like SOAP and SHAMPOO and CRYING.”  Just then Max had a terrific idea.  He could hardly wait to get started.

            Sometime later his sister Pepper walked into the bathroom for her brush.  She couldn’t believe her eyes.

            “Yikes! Max” shrieked Pepper.  “What did you do?  You look positively yukky!”

            There on the bathroom floor sat Max – his hair sticking straight up and ketchup all over his head and face.

            “I do not look yukky!” screamed Max.  “I look just like Comb Rooster. Now I have red hair too!”

            “No!  No more!  Please stop!  You can’t look like Comb Rooster.  You look like Max.  There is only one Max in the world and there is only one Comb Rooster!”  laughed Pepper.  “Believe me, one of you is enough!”

            “Anyway if you did look like Comb Rooster, how would I know you?  I don’t want Comb Rooster for a brother, I want you!  I like how you look.  You look just like you.”

            Max looked back in the mirror at that funny hair with ketchup all over it and he started laughing, too.  “I really do look silly,” he admitted, “and I feel icky, too.”  He washed again and took another look.  It didn’t seem so important to look like Comb Rooster anymore.  In fact, he kind of liked what he saw.

 And this is a lesson we all need to learn. Although this child’s tale may seem simple, it’s message is multi-generational and learning to like yourself for who you are – with all your warts and insecurities – can be just as easy.

Until next week,

 Evonne Weinhaus

Picture a large table-144 inches to be exact that seats 12-14 people- all set with soup, dinner and salad plates, silverware, apples and honey, set off with lit candles in sterling silver candlesticks. It was like something you’d see out of a Martha Stewart magazine or something Rachel Ray would create. It was the evening of our Jewish New Year.  I had decided to do something different this year – you know something fun, something WOW, and something special.  We’d have a caterer to make the food and at the last moment, we splurged and hired a server.  Everything was set.  There was only one problem.

           Oh it turned out special all right – specially humorous! At this large table, there were only four of us.  Shel, my husband sat at one end, me at the other end, my mom and my daughter-in-law across from each other in the middle.  My son and our grandkids were still at High Holiday Services and he didn’t have his phone with him. 

            There we were.  It was quite a sight to behold; four people spread out with an elongated table all set ready for the food.   Now comes decision time. Do you wait; do you eat?  Do you get angry or let go of the anger and seize the moment- or more precise- the food.   No doubt what we did.

            We totally seized the moment.  Shel joined us at my end of the table- we forgot our original plan of buffet style and our server served us like we were kings and queens.  My daughter-in-law did a double-take.  She had no kids around her and was being served her food.  And it was HOT – what a treat for a busy Mom. Only thing she had to think about was does she want more salad.  The food prepared by Chef Thymes (extrathrymes@att.net) was absolutely delicious!!

            We four don’t usually get together by ourselves, so we had a chance to catch-up and share a few good laughs.  We were glad to see the late arrivals-our son and grandkids, but by that time, our tummies were full and we were into our conversation.  It is a good thing, too, because their tummies were full, too. They ended up having a late lunch and I knew how full they really were when our grandson said that the cupcake was too big.  Have you ever known a child to pass up sugar? Yeah, right!

            Could this night have been a disaster?  I’d be lying if I said no.  All this food and no people.  You bet!  You know the fears – throw a party and nobody comes. So I had two choices … hold this one over my son’s head until I was very, very old (good guilt ammunition) or sit back and…

 Appreciate what we had right in front of us- food, fun, and family.  I appreciated myself; I offered the exact kind of Holiday Dinner that I wanted to.  And sometimes maybe that is the lesson we have to learn – appreciate the good things that are right in front of us (particularly the carrot cake with double butter frosting!).  Don’t get all caught up in your expectations of the “perfect holiday dinner”. Seize the moment!

Anyone want leftovers?

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

I don’t know about you, but I hate elevator speeches.  Why?  Because I don’t have one.  I used to console myself by saying, “You’ll have one-just wait until your book is completed.”  The book is done.  I still don’t have an elevator speech.

This was brought home quite clearly to me in the last couple of weeks, and may I add, not in a pleasant way.

1^st experience:  I was assisting in an Imago Couple’s Workshop in Chicago with Jill Fein Baker.  Graciously, she offered me some time to share with the class about A New Fearless You.   I sputtered, I scrambled and I stumbled.   I don’t think anyone in that room could have repeated what I said.  I know I couldn’t have.

2^nd experience:  I have always wanted my brain surgeon to know I’ve written this book and the important role he has played in my life.  I called his office and when his nurse asked me  about the book- let’s just say- same scenario.

So being the “bright person” I am, I knew this had to stop.  Cindy, my co-author, wrote a wonderful elevator speech for me.   And I thought I had it down pat until yesterday…

My new beautician asked me a simple question, “What is your book about?”  I froze.  Now people who know me may find it hard to believe, but truth is truth. I have learned a long time ago and again yesterday- it has to be my words or it doesn’t flow (What an understatement.)

Right now, I have an opportunity- that is a euphemism for not-a-done-deal- to make a small appearance on a national  TV show.  What do they want?  You guessed it.  Three talking points.  You and I both know that means an elevator speech with arms, legs, fingers and toes.   So here’s what I got so far that flows naturally from my mouth.

Who is the target audience?  If you are stuck, stressed-out and scared you are going to sell out, this book is for you.  (Easy enough, I can remember 3 S’s)

What makes this book different from other books?  It is based on the premise people play childhood games like Hide and Seek when fear enters their lives.

Last but not least, what are the benefits?  Reduce stress (another word for fear), Resolve conflict, and Reach solutions.  (Easy enough- 3 R’s and it is all true)

Bingo.  I can do this.  Now I can have some fun with my new elevator speech.  If you think of it, when you see me- you can ask me how I’m coming along.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

BreakThrough in Having Fun!

BreakThrough Blogcast – Episode 30 with Jaimes McNeal, creator and host of BreakThrough Blogcast, with resident co-host Evonne Weinhaus. Evonne is a professional speaker, a communications coach, and co-author of A New Fearless You.

Roundtable guest: Bianca Thompson.

In this episode, Bianca talks about her job in corporate America in that it doesn’t feed her spirit, it isn’t in alignment with her passion, and how fear keeps her stuck. You will hear the actual thought process of moving through her fear to taking the first small steps toward freedom. In her discovery, Bianca realizes that she has actually been angry with herself for settling and being so afraid to forward.

An inspiring show for anyone who is ready to have fun doing what they love and discover the ways to take the first small steps toward making a difference…while making a living. If you work in corporate America, and think you are stuck there, this episode is for you. If you aren’t living your passion—and don’t know where to start—begin with this episode and be inspired!

To listen to episode 30 click the play › button to the left below

You can listen and/or download this episode and all of the BreakThough Blogcast episodes on iTunes.

BreakThrough BlogCast is a virtual roundtable hosted every Monday from 6:00 pm – 7:00 pm CST by Jaimes McNeal, Co- Director and Featured Teacher in Breakthrough: A Conscious Documentary.

Each week, Jaimes and a Featured Guest Co-Host will embark on ExtraOrdinary Conversations with Ordinary People all about mastering life. With interaction from our Online Community, you will discover tools and real-life solutions to help you discover your greatest potential.

For information on how to listen to the blogcast live or participate as a co-host or roundtable guest please visit our BlogCast page

Some of my friends and colleagues are really surprised I blogged about parenting issues and wanted to know more.  The truth: I am more surprised than they are. As promised, here is a small excerpt from what I thought would be our first, last and only parenting article. What do I know? Obviously, not a lot.  What am I learning?  The Universe has quite a sense of humor.  I am coming back full circle and integrating my old parenting world with our new book, A New Fearless You.(www.anewfearlessyou.com)  Enjoy!

When was the last time you played Hide and Seek?

Yes, Hide and Seek. Remember that game you played as kids around the old oak tree? It probably seems like a lifetime ago! But the bad news is you may be playing Hide and Seek or other childhood games right now. You just don’t know it.

How do you play?  Simple.  You hide from fear and seek answers outside yourself by trying to make your teenagers change.

Let’s look at an example about a mother who is similar to many other parents who wants their goals and dreams to drive their behavior, but they sabotage themselves and their relationship with their teens.  Unbeknownst to them, FEAR is driving their behavior.  They rob themselves of all their energy by trying to outrun their fear and over-control their teen’s life or they swing the other way and give up too much of their control.

Katherine thought she was just helping her daughter when she found out her daughter was skipping school.  First, she tried calling the teachers to get her daughter’s homework assignments so she wouldn’t fall behind in her grades. She even reorganized her days around her daughter’s school schedule by escorting her to and from school daily. But guess what? As soon as her daughter saw her mother’s car pull away, she left the school grounds.

What was Katherine hiding from and what was she seeking? Simply put, she was hiding from conflict and seeking peace.  More specifically, she was hiding from the fear of confrontation, or worse yet, her daughter flunking out of school, and seeking a “we are in this together” attitude.   The bottom line: Katherine was feeling emotionally and physically drained.   She had to make a change, removing the burden from her shoulders and placing it where it rightfully belonged – on her daughter.

She laid down the ground rules and followed-up by saying to her daughter:

• I have been worried about you going to school and I feel frustrated with you skipping (stating her thoughts and feelings).
• I know you’ve been hassled by me (recognizing the teen’s feelings).
• From now on, it’s up to you to work out your attendance record with your school (turning over responsibility).
• I will no longer talk to your teachers or drive you to school anymore (taking a stand).

She made a clear, concise statement about her own actions. She couldn’t change her daughter’s actions, but she could change her reactions.

And what is important to realize is Katherine’s  success depends on her follow-through, not how her daughter’s responds. Then, she has successfully stopped playing Hide and Seek.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

Recently, I was asked some questions for a magazine article.  At the time, I didn’t think that much of it; it is now three weeks later and I’m still thinking about it.  With that said, I’d like to share my answers and invite you to answers these questions for yourself.

What got you started in your profession?

Ignorance and guts.  When I co-authored Stop Struggling with Your Teen, I thought the hard work was over.  At first, I thought the goal was to get our books in the book store.  Thirty days later, I realized the goal was to get the books out of the book store.

I always wanted to be a famous author but I never dreamed I’d grow up to be a stalker.    I was a guest on T.V. shows such as Today Show, Oprah, Good Morning America etc.  But if the truth be known, the shows did not track me down because my co-author and I wrote an award- winning book, or that I’d be a compelling guest or even that our publisher waved a magic wand.   The truth: I tracked them down.

What is your most memorable moment in life? I was taking a writing class on-line and the assignment was to write four times a day for 15 minutes minimum.  I was watching an old movie, Field of Dreams and realized I had one more 15 minute segments to write.  I put the TV on pause and started writing.

Somehow, some way, I wrote the word, “Hide” and then, automatically, wrote the word, “Seek”.  At the time, I didn’t realize that moment would be life-changing.  I just knew it was a wonderful and strange experience.

That childhood game –Hide and Seek- demonstrated how many grown-ups start playing childhood games to run from our fear.  How do we do it?  We play Hide and Seek.   In general terms, we hide from fear and seek the opposite.  Simple example, we hide from old age and seek youth.  A more specific example- we hide from failure by seeking its opposite- achievement.

What are your hobbies?

After brain surgery, I finally have an appreciation of nature, something that my friends are still trying to get used to.  So my first hobby, I would say is walking in Creve Coeur Park or another place I feel surrounded by nature.

I like to work out with weights, read and travel.

I love that I have added the component of spirituality in my life and discover ways to bring “spirituality down to earth”.  Our book, “A New Fearless you” would be one way that my hobbies, my career, and my life all intersect.

Confession time:  It may sound cheesy, but I adore TV programs such as So You Think You Can Dance” and “The Biggest Loser”. I love to observe and be part of transformations!!

As I look over my answers, I realize that these questions may be different, but they have something in common.  In all these instances, I am living fully, and having fun, be it working or playing.  There is no distinction.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

I was just recently asked to write an article about parenting teens.  Me? I don’t think so.  I have plenty of my own parenting issues to deal with.   I just  figured I’d say no.

Then, Cindy, my co-author of A New Fearless You, says matter-of-factly, “We need to combine your old book, Stop Struggling with Your Teen with A New Fearless You.  Let me be the first to say, I never ever thought of integrating my old book (or life) with my new book (or life).

“Oh,” I say, and with that simple response, I could feel a subtle shift in my body.  I say to myself,  “This could be fun.  I want to create a movement where people have some deep and meaningful AHAS:”

1^st Aha: People never outgrow playing childhood games. When life becomes stressful, when fear paralyzes them, they revert to old behavior and still play familiar games like Hide and Seek.  The only difference?  The playing field is bigger- it’s the whole world around us.

2nd AHA: We play Hide and Seek by hiding from our fears and seeking answers outside ourselves.  How do we do that?  Simple.  We hide from our fears by seeking its polar opposite.  You want a specific example.  Many of us hide from the feeling of rejection by seeking approval from others, all the time, at all costs.

Well, it’s about four days later and I learned what I should of, could of, realized all along: Parents of teenagers are very good at playing Hide and Seek. Yes, they hide from fear and seek to make their teenagers change.  They play all the different games:

1. They play Simon Says- Trying to control their teenagers by telling them what to do.
2. They play Mother May I- they do what their teenagers want instead of listening to themselves.
3. They become puzzle-solvers- they use the facts, the tasks, and the assignments to shield themselves from dealing with their teenagers and their emotions head-on…
4. They play Tag- they move here today and there tomorrow-going with a new parenting approach, hoping to find the magic bullet.

Yes, parents of teenagers may want their goals and dreams to drive their behavior, but they sabotage themselves and their relationships with their teens. Unbeknownst to them, FEAR is driving their behavior.  They rob themselves of all their energy by trying to outrun their fear and over-control their teen’s life or they swing the other way and give up too much of their control.

With Fearless Parenting, they learn how to develop that healthy balance between turning over responsibility to the teen and taking a stand on the part of the problem that directly affects their life.  Stay tuned.  I’m with you on this one.  Let’s see what happens next.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus

Did Terry, the woman who I have been writing about in the previous couple of blogs, have fun when she took her first cooking class or belly dancing class?  Probably not.  Why do I say that?  My guess is at first she was probably just going through the motions; just getting herself moving was probably no small feat. So… What does it take to have fun?

Here is a secret you may not be aware of.  The activity, or the vacation spot, even the people you surround yourself with are not the key factors.  What am I talking about?  Remember, these are external factors.  What’s important is your feelings that springs from your thoughts that are going on inside of you.

When Cindy, my co-author and I first started working together, we were trying to come up with the “so called promise” of our book, A New Fearless You: Freedom from Hide and Seek and Other Games Grown-Ups Play. For the few months we thought seeking happiness was the answer.  Why not!

Cindy decides to take the bull by the horn and define different ways people can be happy by having fun.  She sends me a list of “fun activities” to help people feel happy ranging from taking a bubble bath to you name it.

I remember taking a deep sigh and saying quite emphatically, “Don’t you get it, Cindy? These are external activities.  Someone can be utterly miserable as they just go through the motions.  Fun is determined by what is going on inside of us.”

Cindy got quiet for a moment and then managed to say “Oh, I have lots and lots of learning ahead of me.” (Just for your information- At that time, “journey” was a foreign word in Cindy’s vocabulary.  Now she will be the first to tell you that she traveled quite a journey.)

I want to use some lingo for a moment to help make the point quite clear.  As kids would say,

It is the “vibe” between you and your activity or with other people that is the key to having fun-not just the activity or the people you surround yourself with.

Remember, the activity is second. First is the vibe you are experiencing.

Here are some questions you may want to consider:

Are you fully engaged in the moment?

Are you feeling emotionally connected to what you are doing?

Is your mind wandering back to the past or worried about the future?

What about you?  How do you describe fun?  Can you quickly remember some times you had fun.  Were there some common similarities?  Would love to hear from you.

Until next week,

Evonne Weinhaus