Save your relationship! Ever read the book The Five Love Languages?  I have extrapolated the 5 elements from the book without reading it cover to cover.  I am a scanner and a collector (aka ADD), I bring home a pine cone not the entire pine tree.

The concept of the book is that there are five ways we feel unconditional love.  I was really incensed when I thought that anyone had the audacity to narrow love into five categories.  After I learned them I felt the author, Gary Chapman was right on, but I would combine my favorite with one of the five (see below).  We all have a primary love language or a way that we feel nurtured and cared for in a relationship.  If that aspect is unmet then we will not feel loved.  For example, my former husband would say “I love you, I do the laundry,” I would say “Forget the laundry…let’s go for a walk together!”

As you read the list below feel what is important to your heart.  In no particular order they are:

1. Words of Encouragement
2. Quality time – to which I add Communication, number one on my list
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Affection

Which one is your primary language?

Words of Encouragement – are the people or relationships that let you know how amazing you are.  They give you supportive detailed coaching cues that say you are on track with your life and your gifts.  Think about the people around you that give this – know any?  How do you feel when it comes in?  Do you feel your insides light up and your whole body fill with heartfelt love?  Are you motivated to do more amazing events and raise the bar of letting your gifts emerge on a grander scale when words of encouragement are on the table? Or do you discard them like the extra packages of ketchup at drive through?

Quality Time – is spending specific one-on-one time where you feel like you are the center of the universe for the other person.  Eye contact and focus are primary in this deal, even if you are taking a hike together in the woods.  You may not need 12 days in a row, sometimes only 12 minutes.  When someone is completely present with you it fills a magic space in your heart and your life.  Does this one touch a button of truth? Think about the blissful feeling you have after an encounter with someone you love that is full of quality time.  Are you happy, healthy and relaxed or do you want to run a marathon to detox from the oceanic energy merge you just encountered? They say a man’s primary need is freedom, and a woman’s is security – how do the two line up?

Gifts – are easy to explain. Know the person who loves to give gifts every time you see them from tiny (useful or useless) trinket to a new car?  We giggle as my sister squeezes through the door at Christmas with her Santa sized bag bearing gifts for all.  I dated a gift giver and that’s the reason I own a compressor (with all the attachments) and a grinder to sharpen my landscape shovel. In your circle of friends or intimate relationships who is the gift giver and how do you feel when you are the recipient of “things? Do you feel cared for and love to look at and hold these relics with wonder and awe, or do you think of how quickly you can re-gift the junk?

Acts of Service – is a tricky one because this is specific to your needs.  If you mow my lawn I will love you forever.  I am a project girl, pick up a hammer with me or hammer it for me and you have accomplished a task that either I could not do alone, or wanted to partner and connect and this gave me the opportunity to do so with you.  Newspaper and morning coffee feel good brought to your bedside?  Need help putting together your newsletter or organizing your closet?  Who shows up and how do you feel about it, neutral, happy, excited or over the top in appreciation and gratitude? Is this your primary love language?

Affection – seems like something that we all really need to survive.  I think of it as touch, not just a passing hug from a distant acquaintance.  It’s the kind of touch that brings me back into my body.  My son, Nate who is 16 and I call little Buddha because he is such a wise old soul, knows exactly when to come into the kitchen and place both palms on my shoulders to bring me back into my body. The tension releases and my shoulders disengage from my ear lobes and I breathe, close my eyes and in seconds I am grounded back into the earth.  There is the sweet touch you get from your partner at the grocery store or the tender glance from across the room.  Do you need naked full body contact in your affection department? What kind of touch do you need to feel loved?

If your primary relationship is feeding you your chosen love language then you will largely feel fulfilled and at peace.  I asked a boyfriend what he thought my love language was, he said “I think we give what we most need to have, so yours would be Words of Encouragement.” I was shocked; I had placed it third on my list.  I was embarrassed that I enjoyed this aspect and felt like a needy little girl until I sat with it for a while and realized it was okay no matter what. He let me know it was not at all of interest to him and he was not fed by it. Both of us were out of alignment on giving the other their primary love language.  I declared in that moment that I wanted to be me, fully and completely and have that naturally feed the soul of my partner without effort.  Not that I cannot accommodate and understand my partner’s most intimate needs, because I care and want to know so we can connect.

Could this be the primary reason you have felt disconnected from your partner? Ask some questions over dinner tonight and see how accurate you are in assessing your lover’s list. You may find there is a 6^th sense to add to the five love languages.

Imagine the energy it takes to “be someone else.” How many relationships have you contorted yourself to give what was unnatural to you, or that someone else did so to make you happy and then resented you suddenly complaining about tending to your needs? I choose to show up as the amazing and wonderful me that I am today and hope that feeds your soul with abundance!

What’s your love language?

Here is a fun online test link to discover your primary love language.

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages. Chicago: Moody Publishers, 1992. Print.